I thought I’m a genius. I knew I am, till I start falling apart.
When I was a kid I was often told I’m a genius (I skipped a level!). Maybe that’s the reason why I didn’t develop a normal study habit. I’m too full of myself. I only study if I knew I really have to. All I care about are my friends, what would make me feel happy and cool. I don’t take things seriously and I just don’t care. Whatever. People often told me “tamad ka lang…hindi mo lang siniseryoso…” and it stuck in my head, I guess. High school was fine. I was able to survive it in spite of…things. When I was in college…
I thought falling in love would be it. But it’s not.
As I already said in my recent blogs, Debbie brought me to UST, I didn’t pass UST so I took Biology through academic placement, I realized I wasn’t for Biology and tried shifting to Communication Arts but fortunately there was no slot for Communication Arts I was given the choice between Literature and Sociology and so I took Sociology. It’s when I shifted to Sociology that I realized I was meant for it and that…
to have a college degree would do it. Though I know it isn’t.
I was too proud I was through, until months passed. I was an absolute bummer. I’d sit and roll at home knocking myself with things. At first I was so glad! I could unearth my old stuff, I could sleep all day, stare all day, rearrange my books over and over again, watch every show at every channel all day, I’d go with friends anywhere…everywhere, until I ran out of money. I should be doing things that would involve a pay check! But all of these?!?! What happened with my college degree???
I need to find any job!
And so I found a job. I’ve been the faculty secretary’s research assistant for almost 7 months. I was grateful about that. Until now. But as imperfect as I am, I have more issues than ever.
I want to find another job. I want to earn more. I want to be a writer, a songwriter, a singer, a lawyer, a teacher…I want to be independent of my parents (God knows what they mean to me!), I want a publishing house, a radical restaurant, I want to reestablish myself with my friends (remind them I’m not that free as I was before), I need to learn hard on saying no, I want to find love (still), I need to learn how to manage my little resources, I need to stop smoking (when’s the last time I really enjoyed a stick?! it feels more of an obligation right now!!!)
I need to get myself together.
Wish they’d understand, wish I’d be given the break, wish I could take risk at all of these without hurting anyone.
Because I’m not a kid anymore. But not that old for them to let me go.
What’s wrong with me that night??? I was tipsy, he came and slap it to my face that they had something and I was so terrified deep inside. I didn’t have time to think and so that feeling that I wanted to keep her away from anyone resulted to…I was kicked out of her life.
